Legend has it that Clunky was finally fully assembled, or rather born I should say, late on a sweltering Friday afternoon many assemblies ago. He was slated to be the first off the line that season in the newly built but already dreadfully filthy and stench-filled locomotive works down near the old dockyards. But unsurprisingly, nothing ever seems to work perfectly the very first time. Or ever, really, if you think about it. Especially if it has gears that have to mesh. Those need to groove. Kind of like how your own gears need to mesh and groove. In sync and all aligned. Not all clinkity claaaanky clunky, or such. Or else nothing works. No thing can move smoothly at all like that. Clunky’s gears simply could not mesh like they were meant to. So then, all steamed up, he was set aside for the rest of the assembly season. Benched. Taken off the rails. Ouch. Crazy, eh?

Soon, Nos. 2 through 12 made it passed the birthing process relatively clunk-free. But never wanting to be criticized (nor terminated) for wasting expensive steel and iron, Clunky’s builders reluctantly agreed to finally give Engine “No. 1” another shot at functional alignment. And not a moment too soon I’d like to stress, as Clunky had a whole lot of expansive gas, I mean pent up steam ready to blow at any given moment! So then, late that sweltering Friday afternoon, with much grunting, groaning, grumbling, sledge hammering, and stenchy sweating, all peppered with loads of cacophonous words that shall not be repeated in print here, Clunky was fully assembled. Sort of. Or born, I should say. With a handful more parts than most iron belly puffer horses are usually birthed with, but sometimes you simply gotta use what you got laying around. It also helps prevent the dreaded and coldly distributed termination notices for excessive wastage on the assembly line. So there he was. Birthed with a limp. Or a clunk, to be more accurate.

It was tough to decide what official number to assign Clunky. He was, of course, first on the line at the newly built but already filthy locomotive works. But he was also the last off it. And with a few spare parts to boot. So then, and with much lively debate (some of which was even physical in nature accompanied with loads more flowery language), Engine No. 1 (and simultaneously Engine No. 13), with a few extra clunky gears awkwardly jammed in neither here nor there, was officially (and logically) simply dubbed Engine No. 113 1/2. Or, as he became not-always so affectionately known as, Clunky. More often than not though, he had much more harshly-worded monikers. Which will also remain unprinted here. That’s why Clunky’s favourite hogger by a ton of coal was Old One and a Half-Eyed Ballast Scorcher Bob. The way he grooved that jazz flatbed kit kept pushing Clunky on! No harsh words or whines - just smooth vibes with the brushes. Eat that, Kenny G! Oh, and wire brushes in the eye because of a clunky train, however - not so groovy.

And so then, much like that classic piano student who can't quite get going, clunky always pushed through. Yet even so, after countless seasons of clunking up and down the same familiar lines, Clunky never could truly get used to burrowing into those dark, damp, and shadowy tunnels. Tunnels where if you toot your own horn too much, those toots just may come back to bite you in the caboose! You know, the doppler effect and all. And if you’re the piano driver, you even get to hold the gas pedal all the way down through the entire tunnel without even getting one solitary dirty look from your teacher. They may even shout, “More pedal!” Since when does that ever happen? Then a steep climb, and suddenly and rather involuntarily saaaaiiiling, flyyyying, barely feeling the cold steel rails beneath his wheels as the headwinds were literally beginning to lift Clunky and the whole train slowly but surely up and off the rails, faaaar tooooooo high above rivers and valleys, loaded with thick green forests jam-packed with grolar bears and Sasquatches who will catch you not to save you, but to eat you - yes, even if you’re made of iron and steel - just in case you lean too much to the side and plummet from the tower of toothpicks to your… never mind. All good and safe now. That awkward chord progression brought Clunky back to the ground. And that run-on sentence, I’m sure. But only just to climb again. All good still. He’s got this, especially with Old One and a Half-Eyed Ballast Scorcher Bob grooving him on. And there was no way in that stenchy grimy locomotive works that Clunky was willing to go down in history as “The Clunky Engine That Just Couldn’t.” Nope! So then - Clunkity…Clunk…Clunk…

Clunky Train will be published in an upcoming album for piano students entitled “Thirteen & a Half Etudes in Asymmetry for Bass & Baritone Piano in Assorted Colours.” Each piece will include accompanying artwork, narrative, and audio recording to help stimulate the student’s creative imagination - which is far too often used far too little by far too many.

Stay tuned!

©2025 Kirk Ashley Smith, OakStream Music Productions